SAD, BUT SOBER: MY HANGOVER-FREE HEARTBREAK
It’s been over a year since my breakup and I wish I could go back and tell my heartbroken self that I was going to be okay. When things ended with the person that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, I was devastated. It happened so fast, and I had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that after being together for so long, especially with the history of our relationship, it was really over. I would no longer sleep next to him every night, he would no longer be the first person I told good news to…I started to run through my head and think about all of the things I wish I could have done differently in the months leading up to this moment. I didn’t want to lose him. He is the only man I’ve ever loved and I fear, even now, that I will never find another love like the love that we shared.
When I lost him, I also lost his friends and family who I had formed relationships with. That’s another shitty thing about breakups, you have to break up with more than one person. I had to mourn the future that I imagined we’d share together and I think that hurt the most.
Speaking of loss, thinking back to the months leading up to the break up, I realized that I had lost myself. I felt our relationship changing and I felt him pulling away. Women have a strong intuition, and I knew that our relationship was no longer the same. I tried to blame the internal distance on everything I could: Covid and all of the uncertainties that came along with it, living with our families, not getting enough alone time. Even as I sifted through all of the excuses, I recognized that I was not happy and I knew he wasn’t either. I found myself acting like a fool because I didn’t want to lose him. When I became insecure in the relationship, I got very insecure myself. I found myself longing for his approval, his touch, something to give me proof that we were okay. I didn’t recognize myself as I began to make myself smaller. I held off bringing up my unhappiness because I was so scared of losing him and our relationship ending. I didn’t want that. I thought I could make it all better by compromising my dreams and desires, or at least putting them on hold for a little while. I told him I would stay on the west coast because I knew that’s where he wanted to be. Every time we had a conversation about our future, I cried. I knew that this didn’t feel right. This wasn’t how love was supposed to feel. I ignored my inner-knowing. He told me he felt better after each conversation we had; he felt better, but I felt worse. I realize now that he may have been trying to convince himself too. He expressed his fears and I tried to reassure him. I didn’t know what the future would hold, no one does, but at the time I knew I didn’t want a future without him. I realize now that in the last months of our relationship, I was trying to become the woman that I thought he wanted and in turn, I lost myself. I now realize that I should never and will never feel that way in the right relationship. We should never have to change ourselves to make another love us. We are enough and whole, just as we are.
I have come a long way from the person I was a year ago. I was an emotional mess, I cried at the drop of a hat, I was feeling unsure about the future, I felt lost. I am still figuring things out for myself, of course, but I am no longer reminded of him every step of the way. Sure, there are times when I fantasize about us being able to keep in touch and share victories with each other. It happened when I launched this website, actually. I remember buying the domain name on the couch in the apartment we used to share. I know he’d be proud of me for making it happen.
If you ever read this, I hope you’re proud of me. Thank you for supporting me, my career, my sobriety, and No Booze Babes. I realize now that I may have never gotten sober if it weren’t for being in a relationship with you. I didn’t want to mess up something so great. I know ending things couldn’t have been easy, but thank you for doing what I didn’t have the courage to do. I’m proud of you for doing what was best for you, it was best for me too.
Something you might know, if you listen to the podcast, is that my ex and I met in high school and dated through college. We broke up for 4 years and then life brought us back together again. It’s important to note that I was not sober when we broke up the first time around, so back then, I numbed my feelings with alcohol. This time around, I am sober and I have healthier coping mechanisms. I wanted to share with you babes the things that have helped me get through this heartbreak.
Leaning on my support system. My friends and family came to my rescue during that really hard time. They listened to me, held me, rubbed my back as I cried, they went and grabbed my things from his place, they were, and still are, everything to me.
Journaling. I have always wanted to journal, and it was the perfect outlet for all of my thoughts and feelings. I would dump everything into my journal so I could get it out of my head. It was also good to track how my feelings were changing and to go back to my earlier entries to see how far I’ve come.
Therapy. I was so emotionally heavy in the weeks and months after the breakup. I knew I needed professional help and I found a therapist with the help of my best friend who is a therapist herself! I still see my therapist to this day and I remember asking her in one of our sessions months ago, “When will our sessions not be about the breakup/my ex?” and now I can’t remember the last time a whole session was dedicated to my heartbreak.
Working out. Moving my body was crucial. I would go on a walk and listen to podcasts, but I also invested in memberships at two different workout studios. Group classes motivated me, the music flowed through me, and classes gave my mind a break. Working out is very therapeutic for me.
Podcasts. As I mentioned above, going on walks and listening to podcasts was SO helpful for me. I listened to every episode of In Your Feelings by Bianca Sparacino. I swear she knew just what I needed to hear. Her words were comforting and inspirational, I highly suggest checking out her podcast.
Music. I am a person who always likes to have music playing. I enjoy a soundtrack accompanying my life. I made playlists according to my mood. I had a playlist for when I was sad, hopeful, mad, you name it. I also want to thank Taylor Swift for coming out with RED (Taylor’s Version) as well as Olivia Rodrigo for releasing SOUR during my time of need.
Getting out of town. Right after the breakup, I needed a change of scenery. Everything was reminding me of him and I just wanted to escape. I went away to Palm Springs with my mom and sisters, I turned off my phone completely, laid by the pool re-reading Untamed by Glennon Doyle (highly recommend), and just escaped.
Stepping away from social media. I turned off my phone, put the podcast on pause, and just gave myself permission to step away to focus on myself. Social media is beautiful for so many reasons, but it is also a huge distraction from the real things going on in your life. I was used to posting everyday and getting back to every DM, but I realized that I had to put on my oxygen mask first before helping others. I also knew that I wouldn’t be much help to anyone else if I didn’t help heal myself first.
As someone whose content is primarily centered on sobriety, I put pressure on myself to relate everything back to being booze-free. I am realizing that my sobriety is just one beautiful part of me, but it does not define me. It took me a long time to finally post this because I knew it would be hard to share. Thank you for giving me the space and grace to do so. It means so much to be able to finally explain why I haven’t been as present on social media. I knew that I needed to take some time off to care for myself and practice what I preach. “One day at a time” is not just a sober saying, it works for your heartbreak healing too.
When people choose to walk out of your life, let them. You deserve to be with someone who can’t imagine their life without you. If you are going through heartbreak, please know that you will be okay one day. It will get better. Time truly heals. As always, I am sending you love and support. You deserve the best, I know you have so much love to give…give it to yourself right now.
